22 February 2013

Writer's crisis and happiness


It was some time that I didn't post here nothing. Frankly, I didn't have nothing to say. And I was ocupied. Considering the fact that I'm not citizen of Rocinha anymore. One beautiful day I've decided to move out and switch favela for garage of luxury hotel. Of course it was because of my crazy ex-girlfriend. Otherwise, I wouldn't have too much problems to stay there. And right now I can't even think about going there. It could cause me some injury.

Anyway, I'm working in some luxury hotel and I got promoted. So my salary is not that low, but still has some space to rise. And I'm not forced to do the dirty work. Altough, I'm still doing it but not that frequently. There's something positive on that. I'm swetting less. And that counts in summer Rio de Janeiro where the temperature isn't below 25C in the night and below 32C during the day. I found nice people also here in working enviroment. French owner, his brazilian wife and swedish guy working with me. We're having fun together. And yeah, on some hotel event, I've met this carioca girl. So, basicly those are people that I'm seeing frequently. Sometimes, I'm homesick and have to visit some czech comunity here. And that's it.

It's probably first time in my life, that I'm spending most of my "free" time alone. And frankly, I'm fine with that. I don't want to spend my time talking shit about weather and hobbies. Actually, I think that speaking portuguese is not that big advantage. I see it as a burden. If I'd not speak pt I'd probably had more time to take care of my online businesses.

First time in my life, I'm realizing that I don't actually know what I want to do with my life. Do I really want to stay in Brazil whole life? Where do I want to stay? What do I want to do? Do I want to fuck everyday another girl? Do I want stable relationship? Do I want to work at hotel? Do I want to work as employee? Do I want to make some business? I don't really know. I'm stucked in that situation. And paradoxically after couple years I stoped woried.

I was thinking a lot about my feelings and it's maybe some kind of my nature to be uncertain about everything. And I guess that I don't have right to ask anything from my life. Even that everybody is telling me, that I have to be and I have right to be happy. I don't believe in that. I don't think that happiness is something that can help me with something. In an effort to expect happiness always comes suffering and disapointment. So why should I keep thinking like that. There's obviously something wrong with that. Somebody really fucked us up guys!

I found that is extremly difficult to focus on work here. We had the carnival here, it's heating every day, you're seeing all the beach people everytime you start thinking about work. It's funny.

And sorry for that title, I'm no writer and I don't looking for happiness in this lifetime.