Emigration 2.0

Hey it's been some time this blog wasn't updated. I'm really busy recently and I don't have so much time or if you want to hear it I wasn't really in good mood to write something down. But it's getting better. Sometimes it's better to stop and think a little bit about what's going on.

That was exactly what I did. This is review of one of my first articles on this blog Emigration. After almost 2 years in Brazil I got feeling that it's going to same direction as in Prague. But there are some major differences.

Let me explain some of my past. I was student in Prague doing a lot of exciting stuff with robots and cybernetics. Then one day I decided to terminate my studies. I started work as shitty stock broker and I ended up doing wrong business. When I realised that my life is going to wrong direction I decided to quit. The fact I was an big egoistic asshole wasn't affecting only me but also other people who cared about me.

After time doing nothing and working on some meaningless jobs I choose emigration as something that could help me out resolve my life issues. I've met this guy LT on his blog who was keen to help me. I came to Brazil basically on his invitation. He placed me to some other czech looser house. And he gave us as a "gift" local shitty pizzeria for beginning.

The business was not doing so good. And I had difficulties with the other guy. When I'm looking back to the past I think it was mainly my problem. I wasn't ready to communicate with him. I wasn't ready to communicate with nobody in fact. And that cost me another trouble. The guy was so fucked up that he couldn't survive here with almost 100.000 BRL and he blamed for his failure everybody else but him.

So when we found out after couple moths that some money is missing he was sure it was me. It was my word against his. I wasn't sure how to defend me but since I used to resolve my problems with leaving I did it like this and went back to LT asking a help. Needles to say it was when his father was dying. He refused to help. I was desperate. For long time I had hard times. Difficult to get something to eat. I also stopped talking to him. I couldn't stand him. I was so selfish. I thought I have rights to demand his help. There were still some fuck-ups in my head from the past. Like overgrown ego and lies.

Today when I'm thinking about this I think it was the most friendly gesture I've ever received in my life. He could do nothing better to help me than refuse to help me. First time in my life I had to finally deal only with my self. I was suffering a lot. Hunger, pain, refuse, dropout, no czechs. Nobody just me. Living in the favela. Rathole. So emigration finally got me. This was the real purgatory. I got to the bottom and I had to start thinking about my self and my attitudes. I was homeless and I was literally begging for the food. I survived all of this and got the work in the hotel.

I'm still working there. Many times I had urge to leave back to Czech republic and I was feeling "better" that I'm staying and don't running away from trouble as I did it before many times (as you can read about that here). Reviewing that I can tell you that I am a looser no matter if I'd go back or stay here. That's the fact. And besides CZ and BR doesn't matter. It's the same shit as you can see on the top of this page. And what's more after some assimilating time you'll find your self in the same position as back in your country.

But things are changing... I don't run from the problems anymore. And also I'm trying to communicate and resolve the problems even though I'm feeling uncomfortable with it. I don't lie so much as before. And the life becomes more bearable. I found loneliness that I was always looking for.

Anyway I finally started some projects. Doing some freelancers jobs for Brazilians and their websites. I found I can still do the programming jobs in php. I can do a lot of stuff in Photoshop and it help me to get some money. I believe that on January I can quit the hotel job and concentrate myself only on the internet jobs. First time in my life I can work whole day constantly. I'm enjoying it. And I can do it all by myself. I don't need anybody else help.

Writer's crisis and happiness

It was some time that I didn't post here nothing. Frankly, I didn't have nothing to say. And I was ocupied. Considering the fact that I'm not citizen of Rocinha anymore. One beautiful day I've decided to move out and switch favela for garage of luxury hotel. Of course it was because of my crazy ex-girlfriend. Otherwise, I wouldn't have too much problems to stay there. And right now I can't even think about going there. It could cause me some injury.

Anyway, I'm working in some luxury hotel and I got promoted. So my salary is not that low, but still has some space to rise. And I'm not forced to do the dirty work. Altough, I'm still doing it but not that frequently. There's something positive on that. I'm swetting less. And that counts in summer Rio de Janeiro where the temperature isn't below 25C in the night and below 32C during the day. I found nice people also here in working enviroment. French owner, his brazilian wife and swedish guy working with me. We're having fun together. And yeah, on some hotel event, I've met this carioca girl. So, basicly those are people that I'm seeing frequently. Sometimes, I'm homesick and have to visit some czech comunity here. And that's it.

It's probably first time in my life, that I'm spending most of my "free" time alone. And frankly, I'm fine with that. I don't want to spend my time talking shit about weather and hobbies. Actually, I think that speaking portuguese is not that big advantage. I see it as a burden. If I'd not speak pt I'd probably had more time to take care of my online businesses.

First time in my life, I'm realizing that I don't actually know what I want to do with my life. Do I really want to stay in Brazil whole life? Where do I want to stay? What do I want to do? Do I want to fuck everyday another girl? Do I want stable relationship? Do I want to work at hotel? Do I want to work as employee? Do I want to make some business? I don't really know. I'm stucked in that situation. And paradoxically after couple years I stoped woried.

I was thinking a lot about my feelings and it's maybe some kind of my nature to be uncertain about everything. And I guess that I don't have right to ask anything from my life. Even that everybody is telling me, that I have to be and I have right to be happy. I don't believe in that. I don't think that happiness is something that can help me with something. In an effort to expect happiness always comes suffering and disapointment. So why should I keep thinking like that. There's obviously something wrong with that. Somebody really fucked us up guys!

I found that is extremly difficult to focus on work here. We had the carnival here, it's heating every day, you're seeing all the beach people everytime you start thinking about work. It's funny.

And sorry for that title, I'm no writer and I don't looking for happiness in this lifetime.

Rocinha described by LA Times

Yeah guys, things are going more or less well and I'm enjoying my life. But besides my life there are many interesting things. I found some article about favela in LA Times  http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-brazil-favelas-20121125,0,4302500.story?page=1

I have to admint that this article is incredibly correct article. Right now favelados are complaining about police units and also cocaine isn't that easy to buy.

Other things is that after so called pacification of Rocinha and police's takeover went prices of houses up. Normal 2-3 bedrooms house close to public transportation is now around 100.000 BRL and the same house costed 30-40.000 BRL on time of my arrival 6 months ago. Over 120% of growth.

i will feel like a loser if i go back to my country

Hey guys, this is what I found on my Google Analytics tools. And this is what someone googled. And this is exactly my case. Or I telling this to myself. It would be too easy to go back to my country and get a well payed job in some big bank. And rent a realy good loking apartment near to downtown close to good restaurants and also to my normal middle class friends with the same interests and topics as I have. But it's gone because of to feel like a loser and don't have nothing.

Actualy it's one year that I've came here and I have to say it was a hell of a year. I experienced a lot and I realized what has value for me personaly.

Last monht I've been working and collecting new wisdoms. I've met some interesting people like: http://bigglobetrotter.blogspot.com who is my fellow compatriot. And also I'm still working in hotel and I've met there some other Czech who's living in São Paulo for 8 years. What a coincidence!

Finally I'd like to say that I'm not giving it up and I will continue staying here in Rio de Janeiro.

Rocinha blackout

The part of hill where I've been living had today more than 15 hours blackout. No internet... Whole nearby transformer was burned aproximately in 2 AM and technicians of local electric company called Light (I don't know why Brazilian use english words if they even can't pronounce it at all) wasn't able to came here around midday. And without internet it sucks.

So I started to read book called Ater Dark by Murakami that I borrowed in hotel. Luckily in english. It's my first meeting with Murakami and after almost entire day blackout and around 100 pages I have to say that I like it.

In this book he is extraordinary detail describer. Scenes that he's describing are let's say at least mysterious.

After complete reading I will post here more what I think. Right now I have to check like million things on internet.

Police was killed in Rocinha

It has been couple days that here in Rocinha that the member of police unit was killed here on the hill. It looks like police unit and two gangsters were confronted face to face in one little street in part called Terrerão. The bandidos jigged up and one shot police man in the face which on the way to hospital died.

Police striked back with bothering every person on streets of Rocinha. The gangster who killed the man was found two days after the incident in one sewer in Botafogo which is nearby neighborhud.

And today was also the big Day for Rocinha. After all day police chopper in the air and black uniformed police on streets patroling was inaugurated the UPP. This is Unidade da policia pacificadora do estado Rio de Janeiro - pacification police. Right now is more than 700 members of police in Rocinha.

Yeah, right on police :D

About hotel job and new shoes

Hey,
it was a long time that i didn't post nothing. I've been busy and actualy I don't like posts without subject. I'm not able to write about bullshit as a lot of bloggers do only for get readers.

I have so many news. My job is outstanding. I'm working in 5 stars boutique hotel in Rio de Janeiro as hotel staff with owners' promises to become a sub manager. Hotel has only 5 employes so it should be easy to manage it.

Owner is suprisingly nice guy and with his wife are making great couple. They are living in a hotel more than 8 years. I assume that life in work is very exhausting for them and also with the same people.

There is also 2 guys working 8 years but without life force. Their life is only to go to work to have money for beer. On one side I get it when you realize that your life is meaningless and your only important thing to do is clean shit of others (but just for the record people on other side of this barriere feels way to more important than is needed). But on the other side they actualy don't want to do nothing and more or less are satysfied with their lifes.

And than is there one iliterate girl. She is very warmhearted but itt's very dificult to explain her something simple like that she has to prepare 3 different eggs for 3 different people. And cheif of kitchen who is realy the laziest man i've ever seen. Actually he is going for work only to sleep. When he has to do something he starts to complain. I've heard from the owners' wife that he asked for rising the salary. He isn't even able to answer to phone and ask the calling party what he/she wants.

I'm still living in Rocinha. Sometimes I guide the clients of the hotel to show them this place. Of course  everybody is scared to death of violent behavior of residents :))

Oh yeah and I bought new shoes for R$ 99,00 in Copacabana