Emigration 2.0

Hey it's been some time this blog wasn't updated. I'm really busy recently and I don't have so much time or if you want to hear it I wasn't really in good mood to write something down. But it's getting better. Sometimes it's better to stop and think a little bit about what's going on.

That was exactly what I did. This is review of one of my first articles on this blog Emigration. After almost 2 years in Brazil I got feeling that it's going to same direction as in Prague. But there are some major differences.

Let me explain some of my past. I was student in Prague doing a lot of exciting stuff with robots and cybernetics. Then one day I decided to terminate my studies. I started work as shitty stock broker and I ended up doing wrong business. When I realised that my life is going to wrong direction I decided to quit. The fact I was an big egoistic asshole wasn't affecting only me but also other people who cared about me.

After time doing nothing and working on some meaningless jobs I choose emigration as something that could help me out resolve my life issues. I've met this guy LT on his blog who was keen to help me. I came to Brazil basically on his invitation. He placed me to some other czech looser house. And he gave us as a "gift" local shitty pizzeria for beginning.

The business was not doing so good. And I had difficulties with the other guy. When I'm looking back to the past I think it was mainly my problem. I wasn't ready to communicate with him. I wasn't ready to communicate with nobody in fact. And that cost me another trouble. The guy was so fucked up that he couldn't survive here with almost 100.000 BRL and he blamed for his failure everybody else but him.

So when we found out after couple moths that some money is missing he was sure it was me. It was my word against his. I wasn't sure how to defend me but since I used to resolve my problems with leaving I did it like this and went back to LT asking a help. Needles to say it was when his father was dying. He refused to help. I was desperate. For long time I had hard times. Difficult to get something to eat. I also stopped talking to him. I couldn't stand him. I was so selfish. I thought I have rights to demand his help. There were still some fuck-ups in my head from the past. Like overgrown ego and lies.

Today when I'm thinking about this I think it was the most friendly gesture I've ever received in my life. He could do nothing better to help me than refuse to help me. First time in my life I had to finally deal only with my self. I was suffering a lot. Hunger, pain, refuse, dropout, no czechs. Nobody just me. Living in the favela. Rathole. So emigration finally got me. This was the real purgatory. I got to the bottom and I had to start thinking about my self and my attitudes. I was homeless and I was literally begging for the food. I survived all of this and got the work in the hotel.

I'm still working there. Many times I had urge to leave back to Czech republic and I was feeling "better" that I'm staying and don't running away from trouble as I did it before many times (as you can read about that here). Reviewing that I can tell you that I am a looser no matter if I'd go back or stay here. That's the fact. And besides CZ and BR doesn't matter. It's the same shit as you can see on the top of this page. And what's more after some assimilating time you'll find your self in the same position as back in your country.

But things are changing... I don't run from the problems anymore. And also I'm trying to communicate and resolve the problems even though I'm feeling uncomfortable with it. I don't lie so much as before. And the life becomes more bearable. I found loneliness that I was always looking for.

Anyway I finally started some projects. Doing some freelancers jobs for Brazilians and their websites. I found I can still do the programming jobs in php. I can do a lot of stuff in Photoshop and it help me to get some money. I believe that on January I can quit the hotel job and concentrate myself only on the internet jobs. First time in my life I can work whole day constantly. I'm enjoying it. And I can do it all by myself. I don't need anybody else help.

Writer's crisis and happiness

It was some time that I didn't post here nothing. Frankly, I didn't have nothing to say. And I was ocupied. Considering the fact that I'm not citizen of Rocinha anymore. One beautiful day I've decided to move out and switch favela for garage of luxury hotel. Of course it was because of my crazy ex-girlfriend. Otherwise, I wouldn't have too much problems to stay there. And right now I can't even think about going there. It could cause me some injury.

Anyway, I'm working in some luxury hotel and I got promoted. So my salary is not that low, but still has some space to rise. And I'm not forced to do the dirty work. Altough, I'm still doing it but not that frequently. There's something positive on that. I'm swetting less. And that counts in summer Rio de Janeiro where the temperature isn't below 25C in the night and below 32C during the day. I found nice people also here in working enviroment. French owner, his brazilian wife and swedish guy working with me. We're having fun together. And yeah, on some hotel event, I've met this carioca girl. So, basicly those are people that I'm seeing frequently. Sometimes, I'm homesick and have to visit some czech comunity here. And that's it.

It's probably first time in my life, that I'm spending most of my "free" time alone. And frankly, I'm fine with that. I don't want to spend my time talking shit about weather and hobbies. Actually, I think that speaking portuguese is not that big advantage. I see it as a burden. If I'd not speak pt I'd probably had more time to take care of my online businesses.

First time in my life, I'm realizing that I don't actually know what I want to do with my life. Do I really want to stay in Brazil whole life? Where do I want to stay? What do I want to do? Do I want to fuck everyday another girl? Do I want stable relationship? Do I want to work at hotel? Do I want to work as employee? Do I want to make some business? I don't really know. I'm stucked in that situation. And paradoxically after couple years I stoped woried.

I was thinking a lot about my feelings and it's maybe some kind of my nature to be uncertain about everything. And I guess that I don't have right to ask anything from my life. Even that everybody is telling me, that I have to be and I have right to be happy. I don't believe in that. I don't think that happiness is something that can help me with something. In an effort to expect happiness always comes suffering and disapointment. So why should I keep thinking like that. There's obviously something wrong with that. Somebody really fucked us up guys!

I found that is extremly difficult to focus on work here. We had the carnival here, it's heating every day, you're seeing all the beach people everytime you start thinking about work. It's funny.

And sorry for that title, I'm no writer and I don't looking for happiness in this lifetime.