Hey it's been some time this blog wasn't updated. I'm really busy recently and I don't have so much time or if you want to hear it I wasn't really in good mood to write something down. But it's getting better. Sometimes it's better to stop and think a little bit about what's going on.
That was exactly what I did. This is review of one of my first articles on this blog Emigration. After almost 2 years in Brazil I got feeling that it's going to same direction as in Prague. But there are some major differences.
Let me explain some of my past. I was student in Prague doing a lot of exciting stuff with robots and cybernetics. Then one day I decided to terminate my studies. I started work as shitty stock broker and I ended up doing wrong business. When I realised that my life is going to wrong direction I decided to quit. The fact I was an big egoistic asshole wasn't affecting only me but also other people who cared about me.
After time doing nothing and working on some meaningless jobs I choose emigration as something that could help me out resolve my life issues. I've met this guy LT on his blog who was keen to help me. I came to Brazil basically on his invitation. He placed me to some other czech looser house. And he gave us as a "gift" local shitty pizzeria for beginning.
The business was not doing so good. And I had difficulties with the other guy. When I'm looking back to the past I think it was mainly my problem. I wasn't ready to communicate with him. I wasn't ready to communicate with nobody in fact. And that cost me another trouble. The guy was so fucked up that he couldn't survive here with almost 100.000 BRL and he blamed for his failure everybody else but him.
So when we found out after couple moths that some money is missing he was sure it was me. It was my word against his. I wasn't sure how to defend me but since I used to resolve my problems with leaving I did it like this and went back to LT asking a help. Needles to say it was when his father was dying. He refused to help. I was desperate. For long time I had hard times. Difficult to get something to eat. I also stopped talking to him. I couldn't stand him. I was so selfish. I thought I have rights to demand his help. There were still some fuck-ups in my head from the past. Like overgrown ego and lies.
Today when I'm thinking about this I think it was the most friendly gesture I've ever received in my life. He could do nothing better to help me than refuse to help me. First time in my life I had to finally deal only with my self. I was suffering a lot. Hunger, pain, refuse, dropout, no czechs. Nobody just me. Living in the favela. Rathole. So emigration finally got me. This was the real purgatory. I got to the bottom and I had to start thinking about my self and my attitudes. I was homeless and I was literally begging for the food. I survived all of this and got the work in the hotel.
I'm still working there. Many times I had urge to leave back to Czech republic and I was feeling "better" that I'm staying and don't running away from trouble as I did it before many times (as you can read about that here). Reviewing that I can tell you that I am a looser no matter if I'd go back or stay here. That's the fact. And besides CZ and BR doesn't matter. It's the same shit as you can see on the top of this page. And what's more after some assimilating time you'll find your self in the same position as back in your country.
But things are changing... I don't run from the problems anymore. And also I'm trying to communicate and resolve the problems even though I'm feeling uncomfortable with it. I don't lie so much as before. And the life becomes more bearable. I found loneliness that I was always looking for.
Anyway I finally started some projects. Doing some freelancers jobs for Brazilians and their websites. I found I can still do the programming jobs in php. I can do a lot of stuff in Photoshop and it help me to get some money. I believe that on January I can quit the hotel job and concentrate myself only on the internet jobs. First time in my life I can work whole day constantly. I'm enjoying it. And I can do it all by myself. I don't need anybody else help.
You forgot to say that I helped you many times. E.g. I gave out the pizzaria for free use, I bought your identity for 5K BRL when you actually were in shit (and you bought btw. from those money ticket to Brazil and computer), I came to Prague to help you with the gf that you dumped, I came to the village to see your mother. You forgot to mention that you got a lot of help from my girl as well.
ReplyDeleteIn the end it was you who fled away. You asking me for help when escaping overnight to "hunt elsewhere" <- your words. I made a mistake that I let you close to me and the other thieves as well, but I held my word and supported all even when I was betrayed as long as they stayed in our village. But should I give to other ppl money even when they go to Rio to fuck girls to favela in despair? Wtf?
All you could do was asking for help, help, help and you worked like normal people = not at all and that is not enough. What you liked was to have affair after affair with local girls. I quite confirm other things what you said, but the fact I did not help you is a lie when told like was told here. I did not help you after a big amount of useless "help". If you want to heal, which I wish you, even when I do not want you meet in my life, you have to realize that I and T. tried really to the limit and probably above. But without your (or anyones work) there is no way to help anyone.
The only value of help person to person is symbolic act that says: you are not here alone and it has a sense to try and help others. This is very important part of humanity, but people who expect that the HELP is something real, something that by itself can help them, are already in hell. Even if I gave you 100K or 1M BRL nothing would change. What can change things is that you will NOW realize that your greed and asking for help fucked up our relationship forever.
(I will not answer here anymore, ppl can read the story in Czech on my blog soon and that is the reason why you tried to be first here I guess. I wrote this because from some reason Google+ sent me spam about this blogpost.)
Hi LaTibor,
ReplyDeletethank you for your contribution on my blog.
You are completely right. When I read my article once again someone can get the feeling that you never helped me which is for sure a lie. As you mentioned here you and T. helped me a lot more than anyone else I knew you were helping. I realised couple months ago that my solution of all my previous problems was the same as in the case with you. I simply fled away from the problems. Somehow resolving problems was bothering me. Escaping and avoiding works in short term, but in long term the problems will come to get you.
Actually you had the patience to deal with me for long time even when I was still doing shit and lying to you. I fucked up our relationship as I fucked up many others... Any other help given to me that moment wouldn't help. And I realised no real help is needed. The help is for sure symbolic. All of the other things that I wanted as help were only my laziness to resolve something by myself. It wasn't fair to explore you and T. (and anybody else).
Cheers
I was reading your blog and I really liked. :) Please, don't stop post.
ReplyDeleteNo more updates?
ReplyDeleteDude! I just read your story, similar story, the place is not important. It's been a long time. I wonder if you got yourself killed.
ReplyDeleteyes, he's been shot
ReplyDelete